Imagine turning to your husband/wife, looking each other in the eye, holding hands, and delivering that sentence in unison to each other. Was a pimple was just popped? Did a light turn on? Did a new perspective unveil itself? Did you feel indignant?
Or did you disbelieve yourself?
No matter what your response, it probably evoked SOMETHING in you and I'll bet it was not comfortable or warm and fuzzy.
When I first was instructed to say that with Ron (in unison), my first response was to laugh uncomfortably and think, "Ya, right." This happened at the Family Life Weekend to Remember retreat for couples. Hundreds of couples in the room were saying those words to each other as instructed. There were nervous giggles all over the conference room. And let me tell you, my second response was an inward indignation. There was absolutely no way that I was more selfish than Ron. Dude had it down pat. It was All About Him, All The Time.
We were at the retreat at the urging of friends and after enduring years of a marriage no one should have survived. And it was still extremely fragile--having just endured some really grotesque stuff. It was a heartbeat away from being pronounced dead. Friends, a pastor, and sheer will were the glue at the moment. And the glue was not yet dry. The escape hatch easily accessible.
A few minutes later, they instructed us to get in that same position--turned toward one another, holding hands. They did preface it with, "This may be very uncomfortable or even foreign to some of you, but please try". Ron and I turned toward one another and held hands. I was glad they'd acknowledged that it might be difficult for some of us--because it was for me. They then said to say to one another, "You are God's gift to me." I said the words, but they were empty. I think Ron said them and meant them--but he was in a different place than I was.
As the weekend continued on, I kept thinking about whether I was more selfish than Ron. Impossible. And I finished the weekend retreat without moving an inch on the subject. The retreat did help our marriage. It did give us some tools and it did open our eyes to certain aspects of our marriage that we'd never truly looked into. And I can say also that, it really helped Ron to step up to the plate in many ways. But he needed to. I don't say that tongue in cheek or with any kind of I-am-better-than-he-is insinuation. Ron needed heavy guidance and direction and he got it. And he ran with it. And I'm not saying I don't have my faults--I just wasn't really clear yet what they were. Yet.
In the years since that first Weekend to Remember retreat, I have come to understand what, "You are the second most selfish person I know" means for me in my marriage. And it's embarrassing and hard to address because it makes me face squarely something about myself that is really unattractive.
I'm a manipulator in my marriage. If Ron does not perform in a manner that is pleasing to me, I withhold my affection in order to punish him. Isn't that ugly. Isn't that just reprehensible. And guess what, I'm still doing it. It's a fight every day for me to let go of my anger at my unmet needs and love Ron as God loves him--unconditionally. Yes. I am the most selfish person I know.
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