And so....I decided to take a trip to Indiana to see Meggie. She was really struggling with being homesick while going to IUK. Now, this was quite a step for me. I HATE flying. Absolutely hate it. I'm not afraid of flying. I'm afraid of being trapped in that plane several miles up in the air, with nowhere to run. And where would I need to run? Hell, who knows...I just want to know that if I want to disappear, I can. Strange but true.
Ron and I flew out together. I will never ever, ever, ever forget Meggie's reaction when she saw me in the hotel parking lot. Her long hair flew across her face as she raced to get to me. She clung to me with a strength I didn't know she possessed. Our tears mingled on our faces and we just kissed and hugged and hugged. Precious memory.
We spent a blessed several days together, holed up in the motel, watching movies, playing cards, going out to eat and just basking in each others' company. But Meg was still in school, and so on one of my last days there I drove her to school, dropped her off and drove around the city seeing old haunts and of course, my old house.
As I drove around seeing old familiar places something began to overcome me--or come over me. Memories began flowing unrestrained through my mind and heart. And suddenly, I was so convicted of MY SIN in the failure of my first marriage that it was like a blow to my stomach. It hit me so hard, but yet so gently, that I knew it was God speaking to me. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I knew that my first marriage should never have ended. I knew that I had chosen to walk away from something sanctified, holy and ordained by God. I had broken a very sacred vow. And my heart broke in my chest. I had allowed my marriage to end. I had been so homesick and so determined to move back to Arizona that I left with my three precious children in tow with the smug knowledge that Mark would follow. Mark had told me he would--and I trusted that. But he did not--and I SHOULD have returned to my husband. I did not. And in choosing to follow my own willful desires, I ripped my little family into shreds and continue to feel the repercussions of that horrible decision to this day--18 years later. I was brought to my knees with this knowledge as I drove past my old house. I wept for what I'd lost. I wept for my selfishness. And as I wept and took ownership of my culpability in the failure of my marriage, God did an amazing thing in my heart.
In those moments of agony and heartbreak a still, small voice said to me..."forgive". And in that instant, every bit of rage, every shred of hatred, every mean thought, every desire for revenge, every malicious wish I'd ever had against Mark was gone, disappeared, vanished. In its place was a love so pure, so sweet, so innocent, so overwhelming, so perfect, so simple that I knew, again, that my Lord had spoken to my spirit--to my heart. My tears were now tears of joy--sheer, unadulterated, perfect joy. I was FREE. I was free from the burden of hatred, condemnation, and judgment. My heart felt nothing but love and joy. But more than anything, I felt forgiven and wanted to forgive. I knew that I had been forgiven, by my God, for my sin of divorce and all that it entailed--selfishness, willfulness, lack of trust...and on and on. And I knew that I was ready to forgive Mark for all the ugliness that had come between us in the ensuing years of our divorce. It just wasn't important any more. I cannot express adequately in words the lightness that I felt. It was like those ugly, demonic talons had released me and I was in a free fall into Jesus' arms.
Several months later, Mark came to visit Cassie and John just after EJ was born. It was during that visit, on my back porch, that I asked his forgiveness for my part in the failure of our marriage. He was gracious and willing--for which I am so grateful.
This lesson in forgiveness has stuck with me. It has helped me move on in other areas as well. And I am so grateful for all the God showed me in that trip to see my daughter. I'm so glad I was willing to endure the flight and discover a truth so powerful it changed the course of my history. Forgiveness rocks.
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